My 40th Year Promise
I found myself standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower on my 40th birthday in November of 2024. As I relished the moment alone, I began reflecting on forty years of life lived and especially my decision to venture off my conventional path and onto the alternative. This completely new life path has brought me to a lot of joy and places I never imagined, but also a steady stream of persistent yet hidden, fear and uncertainty. Where was I going?
“You’re just a Mom,” my oldest son said to me one night while we were watching the documentary about the 2004 Red Sox World Series comeback.
“You just go to the grocery store, you wouldn’t know how it would feel to be traded.”
I had been admonishing Nomar Garciapara for acting like such a baby about being traded.
Being who I am, I could feel my indignation rise up. Really, kid, really? My hackles were crawling up my back, preparing to launch as my mind raced with all the things I had given up to be “just a mom.” How most days being “just a mom” barely scratched the surface of enough for me, and how I have struggled with that nearly everyday since leaving my corporate job five years ago.
More importantly, my mind darted, he has no idea what I have done in life before him and his brother overtook my world! For nearly 10 years I had worked long hours in an office. After having two little boys, I had kept the gas pedal on my career by being the early to drop-off, late to pick-up type of parent; still believing I could do it all. I had passion for my work and the company I helped run, fought hard for things I believed in, and contributed in a big way to our family’s current financial well-being (ahem, living in France for a year).
The ironic part is, this kid, who was telling me that I “just go to the grocery store,” had been one of the major reasons I had left all of that. I believed I could be a better Mom for him if I didnt have the big job and the heaps of outside responsibility. “Just being a mom” is a lot of work, I had reasoned, and I want to be able to show up fully for my kids. And now, that was somehow a knock against me.
But as I watched myself prepare to posture and defend my worthiness (and all other “just moms” out there!), I thought to myself, he’s right. I have all these feelings, but also, he’s right. That’s all he has ever known of what I do. I left my conventional job when he was only 6 years old and have dedicated myself to dinners, school lunches, soccer drop-offs, baseball games, laundry, dishes, new shin guards when required, Santa Claus, easter bunny, tooth fairy, and leprechaun duties, personal clothes shopper, calendar keeper, doctor and dentist bringer, summer camp signer-upper, emotional punching bag, nightly snuggler, and yes, family grocery shopper. More truthfully, online grocery orderer, because who am I kidding, I never go to the actual grocery store anymore (except in France, because I haven’t figured out online ordering here, and it kinda kills me every time).
In that moment, as much as I wanted to launch into my tirade, I made a decision. It was time. Time to do something more than grocery shopping. I had been feeling it for a while, but unsure how to move forward. I knew, as my defenses began lowering again, that it was simply the push I needed. I looked at him with a steady stream of determination laser beaming through my eyes and said,
“Going to the grocery store and being a Mom is really hard and important work. And I still think Nomar could have handled himself better.” Then I resolved to change his view of me by taking steps toward my passion for writing, spirituality, and creativity.
* * * * * *
Around the time that I was contemplating leaving my job, a past-life channelor told me that if I wanted to I could communicate with spirits. At the time, I knew absolutely nothing about what that meant and thought she definitely had the wrong person. I was a real estate developer, not a medium. But, the idea intrigued me and I was really curious. So I dove head first into the world of psychics and mediums and connecting to spirits and ghosts. I read a lot of books, took a bunch of classes online and in person, had conversations with others doing this work, and listened to a gazillion podcasts about the world of spirituality. I soon discovered that indeed I could communicate with those on the other side, beginning with some of my own loved ones.
Over the course of a few years, without the pressures of a day job, I was able to develop a strong connection to that side of myself by setting aside my own thoughts and learning to tune into a different frequency. I dabbled in all sorts of ways to connect with spirit in an attempt to figure out where this newfound discovery about myself was taking me. I tried mediumship, energy healing, intuition training, meditation, chakra healing, mediumship circles, energy paintings, dream work, and much more. Many things intrigued me, but nothing felt like a perfect fit and often I would find the need to move on to something new. I spent many days and nights, in-between grocery shopping ;) wondering what exactly I was meant to do with this seemingly special gift I had. I knew I had something to share with the world, but I just couldn’t quite figure out how.
Two weeks after the Nomar incident, I found myself standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower on my 40th birthday in November of 2024. As I relished the moment alone, I began reflecting on forty years of life lived and especially my decision to venture off my conventional path and onto the alternative. This completely new life path had brought me to a lot of joy and places I never imagined, but also a steady stream of persistent yet hidden, fear and uncertainty. Where was I going? When the world is your oyster, it can be a lot harder than you might imagine to know which way to go.
I had spent the last five years starting and stopping, wavering and floundering, and yes being a Mom. As much as I loved having the flexibility to meet my kids every whim, I had always maintained my desire to do something more. So why was I still “just grocery shopping?” Because I had never truly committed, I was always half-in, always able to pull out if things got too tough, too busy, or I sensed I wasn’t good at it. Without even realizing it til this very moment, I had let fear stop me. I was afraid of what others would think, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid of getting too busy again and not being able to be there for my kids, afraid of the hard work I instinctively knew it would take, afraid of losing my balance by getting consumed by something. All valid fears, but ones I was ready to let go of.
In that moment, over-looking the city of Paris, on the 40th year of my life, I made a promise to myself. Not because I was sad, but because I was ready. I was determined. I promised myself that I would stop worrying about what others thought, stop being fearful of the work of a medium, stop being fearful of getting out of balance or not being there for my kids, stop being half-in. I made a promise to myself that I was going *all in* on using my spiritual gifts to be of service to others.
I know it sounds cheesy and cliche and all the things a promise to yourself on the top of the Eiffel Tower sounds like, but it was real. It was a true moment of clarity that I will never forget. It was a “life is short” moment, that I could not have planned, could not have imagined, could not have made any more cliche if I had tried. But, it was and is very real for me. I even took a selfie (see above).
I think about that moment everyday, that promise to myself, as I embark on the new year, my 40th year, and all that I want to do. I don’t think there is anything more powerful than a promise to yourself that you truly believe in. And I can see that now, because it is propelling me everyday to continue down this path, to let go of my fears, and to really go for it. I’m so grateful for that moment and all the years that led up to it. Which I suppose means I am also grateful to my son for showing me a part of myself I was ready to let go of.
As the first step toward that promise, I finally got busy on creating a website that I have had in the back of my mind since last spring. It is a second iteration of my previous work on Spirit Love. I continue to share stories from my life on my blog, but I have incorporated a spiritual component where I share messages from spirit as well. Additionally, I am dedicated to offering psychic readings for groups and individuals, in the hopes that others can benefit from the messages that come through me from spirit. This website combines both parts of me- the human part {the bee} and the spirit side {the butterfly}.
Thank you for coming along on this journey with me- your love and support are everything.
With love, Lindsay