My Sister’s Accident & COVID
Kelly and me in NYC five months after her accident, picking out a bag for the back of her wheelchair in Chinatown, and doing our best to “get back to normal life.” This 3-day trip was amazing because it reminded us that life could go on and we could enjoy being young and free again, but also incredibly hard because everything was new to us- navigating NYC in a wheelchair is quite a challenge!
Fourteen years ago, my younger sister Kelly got seriously injured in a ski racing accident, leaving her paralyzed from the chest down. This is what life was like in those first few weeks after:
Confusion among my family: The doctor’s said, “there is a very very small chance that she will walk again.” My parents took that to mean she would never walk again, where as I took that to mean she had a chance. The ups and downs of those first few weeks were day by day, minute by minute. My best friend Lauren will never forget calling me one day and me blowing up that “we didn’t need ramps in our house because Kelly was going to walk again,” only to call back the next day and have me blow up at her that “damn it Lauren, Kelly is paralyzed!”
Uncertainty in every way: We had no idea what the next three weeks looked like, let alone what her long-term future would hold. How long would rehab take? What does “rehab” even mean when you can’t walk anymore? When would she be able to get in the car again? How could she ever go back to college? Would she be bound to the couch forevermore? Would she find herself in a depression once this finally hits her? What would our family be like after all of this? Would she be able to get married, have kids, have a “normal” life? Would her life be shortened or permanently damaged from this?
Sadness: We all processed our sadness differently, but it was definitely there. My Dad got irritable and short with my Mom, trying his best to be there in whatever way he could. My Mom just dug in, became the steady rock we all know her as, and showed up day after day after day after day for my sister and my family. I cried, a lot. I drank a lot of beer and smoked a lot of weed. I probably cried myself to sleep for nearly a year after her accident. Partly due to what Kelly had lost, but also because I felt intense guilt over not being the one to get hurt. This last part I only came to realize a few months ago (yes, 14 years after her accident!). Recently admitting these feelings of guilt that have held me hostage for all these years have simultaneously released me of them.
Appreciation of the little things: The smallest things became ever so important! Endless doctors and hospital rooms, hospital food, and being out of our own homes. Being home, sitting on the back porch, drinking a glass of wine together, having dinner as a family- wow that felt like a dream come true! No one needed more than that and we longed for those little moments more than anything. When absolutely EVERYTHING was uncertain, the little things seemed to become bigger.
As you can probably deduce, I am sharing this because it feels quite similar to the situation we find ourselves in right now. I realized this last week after reading an article about slowing down and being able to appreciate the little things during this time. Confusion, uncertainty, sadness, and appreciation of the little things- our family felt all of these same emotions, AND we made it through. I wanted to share my thoughts in order to offer some light at the end of the tunnel. Our family got through this very uncertain time fourteen years ago, and we will get through this too.
My final thought is one around the uncertainty. That was by far the hardest part of dealing with Kelly's accident. My experience hasn’t left me with the exact formula for dealing with it, but I can say that it requires that you show up every day with compassion and love- for others and ourselves. Feeling guilt or inadequacy or shame or fear, we need to let ourselves feel these things without judgement. Love yourself through this, let go of the little things that used to bother you, and focus on the little things that you used to overlook. Sending you all love and compassion during this uncertain time and know that we can and will get through this, just as our family did fourteen years ago. Xo
With love and gratitude,
Lindsay
Published: April 20, 2020
