What my 6-year old Niece Said that I will Never forget

Three cousins and an uncle about to jump into the cold waters of Lake Superior, in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, where my Mom’s family is from.

The other day we were enjoying the last bits of summer with a swim at my parent’s pond. We had planned to meet my sister and her family there, but they hadn’t arrived yet.  As I’m sitting there watching the boys play and enjoying the beautiful day, my niece comes running down in tears. 

“I forgot my swimsuit!” 

To which my natural reaction is to immediately try and comfort and convince her that it’s ok. As all parents and grandparents do, amiright?!

“Aw Dyl! That stinks, but you can definitely swim with just your undies or even do a skinny dip. I’m sure the boys would even do it with you. They love a skinny dip!”

Nodding and still tearing up, she continues. “My Dad had the bag in the mudroom and then he forgot it, but Nell’s suit was in the big bag and he didn’t forget that.”

“Ugh, that’s hard Dyl. It’s ok though, you can definitely still swim. You want some help getting undressed?” (Me, still trying to convince her).

And that’s when she said the thing THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET.

“No, I’m just sad that we forgot the bag.” 

Then she wiped her tears and began getting undressed. Within 30 seconds she was happily jumping off the dock. 

I sat there dumbfounded. A kid came to me in tears that she forgot her swimsuit. I interpreted that to mean, she’s crying because she can’t go swimming. So I tried to fix the situation, as I saw it, in an effort to help. When in reality, she was not at all sad about not being able to go swimming. She was sad about *forgetting the bag*!!

Why was this so mind-blowing to me? Well, for one, I am in the midst of a parenting crisis and am therefore hyper-aware of the reactions of kids in an effort to understand what the hell is causing so much trouble, and let’s be honest, avoid any more major melt-downs! And for two, this struck a nerve in me because I have recently discovered that what I most often need from my husband, during my many hair-raising moments, is simply for him to say, “I can see why you would feel that way.”  Once he says that, it’s like the wind comes out of the sails of my anger, frustration, overwhelm, fear, *insert any emotion here*. It’s him giving me validation that I’m not *insane* for having that feeling. It’s why nights out with my girlfriends have been so life-giving over the years; because they are full of statements of understanding, empathy, and even commiseration. 

So back to the point. She wasn’t upset about not having her swimsuit! Like, duh!! She was upset about the fact that the bag was forgotten. Period, end of story. I turned it into a problem to solve. When all she really wanted was to voice her sadness over the bag being left. 

Kids don’t question their feelings. As much as we parents may want them to, they don’t! She wasn’t sitting there thinking, “Why am I sad? Because I can still go swimming, so why do I care if the bag was forgotten?” She felt a feeling and wanted to express it to someone who would hear her. Then she could move on. Which she did brilliantly! And nakedly 😊

As adults, we feel our feelings and think “how could I make this go away?” Or “how can I feel better right now?” But rather than go to the feelings, we tend to focus on the problem. We try to solve the problem in order to feel better. I myself find that I try to feel better by discussing, convincing, blaming, and thinking of ideas to solve the problem. None of which are wrong. What’s wrong, is this fundamental belief that by solving the problem, we will feel better. But what I saw with Dylan that day, and have seen in myself as well, is that it’s not about solving the problem! 

In my experience, the only thing I *need* to feel better, is to express my feelings to someone who will hear me. The problem can still exist so long as my feelings move out of me. So long as I don’t have to hold them alone anymore.  And the best part is that usually once the feelings move through me, I am much more effective at solving the problem. Because the problem solving is not clouded by my need to express the feelings. 

And she knew that! She knew it wasn't about solving the problem, it was about expressing her sadness. That's it. 

I know it’s so cliché to say that your kids teach you all the time, but hot damn, it’s true! Sometimes the smallest things hit you at just the right time and that is certainly the case here. Because I am sure this has happened a million times before and I was not ready to see it in this way. 

To all the little beings in my life who continue to teach me how to lessen the struggles and find the joy…let your light shine, little ones, we need you!

With love and gratitude,

Lindsay

Published: September 16, 2022