8 Years Gone By, HBD Griffin
Griffin, my first born, playing one of his favorite sports and growing up!
Eight years ago today I was pregnant with my first baby. I would go into labor at 11PM that night, and have my first born son by 10:30AM the next morning. Thinking back on that day, a lot comes to mind. But mostly, who I was.
I was stubborn and defensive. I was hard-driving with my business, my employees, my family, and Tom. I was beautiful and kind. I was scared of failure. I was brash and harsh. I was unafraid and hopeful. I was excited for a new baby and what that would mean- which I truly had no clue. I was happy and joyful. I was annoyed, easily, by small things. I had a hard time letting go of things. I was impatient. I had vision and ideas and desired a lot. I wanted to move to a house and decorate it, make it a home. I wanted to experience motherhood and I wanted to be a part of that lifelong community. I wanted to settle and have good friends- lifelong friends. I wanted to see Tom as a Dad and be parents together. I wanted to make money and buy nice things and travel and experience the world. I wanted to forge ahead. I was excited for the future. I was closed down and opinionated- a difficult combination. I was convicted, oh was I convicted. And argued for my strong beliefs. I was newly married, but felt I knew Tom inside and out. I was lucky. And I felt that way. I was hard on Tom for the small stuff. But we agreed on the big stuff. He let go of a lot and we moved past things easily. Because of that. He was the calm to my storm. But we each needed the other.
He was working at Summit, so was I. We were working together and it was fun. We enjoyed it. He was good at the finance, the employment stuff, the numbers, and the big stuff. I was good at keeping the place running, creating culture and making sure people were happy, and the details. We both enjoyed what we were responsible for. It worked. But I did not understand empathy and how to own up to my mistakes. This created a lot of difficulty with my co-workers. It was my own reckoning that helped me work through that. And a lot of changing the way I operated. Seeing things through their eyes. Taking responsibility. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Listening, truly listening.
Because eight years ago, I was not good at those things. But, I was also not good at listening to myself. I didn't heed the warning of building resentment. I did not listen to the guilt that made me do certain things. I did not accept the anger that would rise up in me. I did not acknowledge the shame of past experiences that my mind wanted to hold on to. I did not understand my own irritation and stressors. I did not self-soothe or have any way of handling my emotions. And most importantly, I did not realize that any of this was happening. Until I did.
And then it was an unfolding. A peeling back the onion layers of what I thought was "just who I am." It was a beautiful transformation of my own doing. Driven by me, and nobody else. Chosen by me, for me, and nobody else. And it was brutal and harsh. It was devastating and earth shattering. But it was right. It was the truest thing I have ever done. And am still doing. It felt right and it was necessary. It was undeniable, unavoidable. My heart could not move forward in any other direction.
And so, eight years gone by, since that hopeful, naïve, happy, stubborn, defensive, beautiful, loving, kind, impatient woman gave birth. Birth to a new way of being in the world. A new way of seeing herself, no matter how much it seemed exactly the way it always was. Eight years of unlayering, learning, and becoming...me. Wow, what a journey. If it ended tomorrow, it truly would have been a life worth living. What a joy to be a witness to this incredible unfolding! As it continues and continues and continues...
Happy Birthday, dear boy. My first baby, Griffin Wesley Getz. Born June 29th, 2014. Look at what YOU have helped me do. It's truly unbelievable! And I am so so grateful.
With everlasting gratitude and love,
Lindsay
Published: June 29, 2022
